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Monday, November 24, 2008

A Series of Shidduchim Posts: Two Girls For Every Boy

With all respects to Jan and Dean, this post is about shidduch dating, not surfing....

Recently, due to a series of miscommunications, two shadchanim called me within hours saying that two women that I had agreed to go out earlier that week were available and wanted to go out with me. Truth be told, I had said not agreed to go out with either of them, I had only expressed my interest and had requested more information.

But I was stuck. I find the idea of two-timing, even just for a first date, horrible. But I really didn't see another option. I wasn't going to call of one, figuring it would make me look like a jerk. Plus I spoke to a few friends who all assured me that it was no big deal. First dates don't count, you're probably not going to want go out with both again anyways, it's not like you deliberately did this, etc., etc.

So I went out with both, less than 24 hours apart. Bottom line is, I'm never going to do that again. Way too stressful. I kept worrying that I'd get them mixed up, get the conversations mixed up, etc.

Comments from the peanut gallery are requested. Have you ever double-dated?


never did, don't think i would have had the capacity to do so.

just ONE first date was often enought to drain me
I think it's okay for some people, but I couldn't do it. The one time I scheduled two first dates, the first one was the woman I'm going to marry. Needless to say, the second first date (the following day) was kind of awkward.
Nope, never did. :P

Seriously - particularly in the shidduch world, where you come in knowing tons of random info, how would a person keep it straight!? Let alone whether it's a good idea in general.
Did you go out with either girl again?

It's less likely for a girl to have double-dated than a guy, though I have heard of it being done, but I haven't—and wouldn't—do it. How can you give anyone a fair shot if you're comparing them to someone else? It makes it feel like a competition, which dating shouldn't be.
Really depends on how much commitment you express during the first date. I really don't see a reason to commit unequivocally after the first date unless you're SURE you are REALLY interested in that person, and either or both of you have expressed some indication that you'd be opposed to be dating a few people at a time for the first several dates, until you figure out whether you'd be interested in any of them for the longer run.

As for keeping the info straight, that's easy. Just think of what you found unique/interesting and special about that person after first date... and if you didn't find anything distinguishing or that made you curious to find out more, it probably wasn't that great of a date to begin with.

(I try to avoid double-dating, or at least to keep them a few days apart, but sometimes that just doesn't work out that way. Obviously, it would be a huge mistake to do that for an extended period of time, but after one date, I really don't see how you're committing to that person.)
I once went on three first dates in a week. When I when on a second date with one, I referred to something that happened on one of the others. I think he picked up on it but didn't say anything.
I would do it under similar circumstances as you did. I wouldn't be concerned with mixing the two girls up, but just don't see why I would put myself through the stress of two first dates in one weekend, to say nothing of the time expenditure. I don't think there would be anything morally wrong with it, though.
Are you kidding? The challenge of keeping the guys straight is half the fun! Plus, girls tend to get all wrapped up in details of a date, so it's nice to be able to provide yourself a bit of distraction - keeps things light, keeps you from looking like an overeager nutjob.

Granted, all this multiplicity must come to a screeching halt if you actually start dating someone with whom you truly see a future. That's just common decency - anything before that is called "fun" :).
Two first dates is nothing, and I mean nothing, compared to what happened to me about 20 years ago when I was dating. I remember it clearly because it was so unusual.

So, I get set up on a date with a girl that lives in the city, on the upper west side, in a building that was very popular with young frum folks sharing apartments. I went out with her, and it was a pretty good first date and I planned on calling her back to ask her to join me for a second date. Meanwhile, there was another relative (an amateur shadchan) that was hocking me for weeks about "a nice girl" and got me to agree to call her but didn't have her number at the time, and after she got home, left the number with my mother. My mother gave me a slip of paper with the number and I called later that evening. Something felt wrong, but I ascribed it all to the first phone call/first date jitters. Well, guess what - some was wrong - it was the same exact number. Yes, you guessed it, the two girls shared the same apartment and the same phone and thus the same phone number.

What a mess. In the end, neither girl went out with me. It was a fitting punishment for my stupidity.

I think I stopped dating altogether for a few months after that incident.

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I usually would take no stance on a "shidduch" situation, as I definitely am not an authority, but this one definitely made me laugh.

Here's why.

Daddy dearest had the highest expectations for his precious little girl (moi'), and had arranged for me to have a date with a "fabulous" guy who was home from Israel for some holiday or another... However, an even greater guy was in NYC at that time and was heading back to London the next morning! What to do? Nobody asked me, dont you worry about that one. So off we were running to the hairdresser, a quick manicure and did a diet coke in the Marriott with American - planning-to-move-to-Israel, to La Marais with Mr. London himself.

Punchline - I had a Chasidish boyfriend in Williamsburg where I stayed the night.

Needless to say, I am still one of the most unbalanced people out there...

So, yeah... not such a big fan of the double, triple, bring it on dating...

p.s. - new to your blog, and enjoying it!

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I know how stressful it might get! I was in such a fix once not too long back! I too promised to myself - Never Again!

This is Nancy from Israeli Uncensored News
im totally for double dating. who can afford to wait around? ur trying to get freaken married, whatever it takes to find the right one stat before they find someone else yo.

this is coming from a girl who doesnt have the luxury of two suggetions let alone any. if two were to come my way , theyre both accepted. one monday , one tuesday. nuff sed.

hm apparently theres anger here..makes sense..angry girl in shidduchim, shud start my own blog.

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