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Thursday, October 23, 2008

A Series of Shidduchim Posts: The First Phone Call

So you've said yes, the girl said yes, and the shaddchan gives you her phone number. When I first started dating, it was often a land-line but now it's always a cellphone. When I first started dating, the shaddchan would be specific- "She'll be expecting your call at 9:00 p.m. tonight", but now I'm given no instructions or time period.

In a sane world, this would be a non-issue. If you call and it's a bad time, she won't pick up the phone, you'll leave a voicemail with your number, say that you'll try her again later, or she wants, she'll call you back.

But instead, many people have poor cellphone eittique, and they'll answer their phone while they're shopping for grocieries, at a party, or in shul. It's annoying.

So what I've been doing lately is simply sending a text message, asking her when is a good time to call. It's quick and painless and she doesn't have to spend the night looking at her phone waiting for a call.

When I mentioned this at a recent Shabbos meal, a girl recoiled in horror. She thought it was an (for lack a better word) looserish thing to do. I countered that I've had dates thank me for doing it.

What do you think?


What if she doesn't get texts? :)
This has honestly never come up for me, because I've always had the shadchan ask me what time is good for the guy to call. But once or twice I've had guys text me, and I don't think it's loserish. Only if they spam me with texts; that IS loserish.
What if she doesn't have free texting? Some people specifically ask people not to text them because it costs them money. But I don't think it's loserish.
What the h--l difference does it make if it's loserish? If you think it's an acceptable thing to do, then you should be looking for a girl who agrees. This girl who gasped at the thought of some "loser" texting her is probably a shallow, empty husk with no ability for deep, critical thought.

Sorry, was that too harsh?
Dear Noyam -, it wasn't and bless you for it.

Back to the matter at hand

I don't know about this...texting?...before you've even met the young lady? Seems awfully forward to me. I would think that there would need to be some sort of relationship established before she would feel comfortable accepting a text from you. I mean the next you'll tell me is that you want to give her a compliment while out on the date!

no, no - it's just too much too soon if you ask me.
Noyam and G- Her point was that you should man up, grow a pair and just call instead of hiding behind a text message. Ask her if it's a good time to talk instead of texting.

Erachet- I think today people just assume that everyone has some sort of texting plan.
love the sms.
has been sooooo useful for dating.
like, sending address or as u said, asking what is a good time to call. and, as long as there is a call, then it's ok to text.
(a) Until recently, I didn't have a texting plan.

(b) I certainly hope that any initial text messages are properly spelled and punctuated--I can attest that there are certain young ladies who would find anything less an immediate turnoff. (Though maybe those women should be condemned as snobbish, shallow, empty husks and dismissed anyway, right?)

(c) There's a higher chance of not seeing texts right when they come in. This wouldn't matter much if the text is only a query as to the best time to call, but it might be expedient not to text more pressing questions for this reason.
1. I don't think it's loserish at all. I'd rather get a text than a call at an embarrassing time. I mean, I wouldn't recognize the number, so I might pick up even if it is not the right time for that conversation...

2. I didn't have a texting plan until recently, but frankly, this is not going to be a habit -- it's one text, oh fine, plus a reply. Not going to be more than 20 cents. Chill out.

3. In response to the issues of "What if she doesn't get text" and if she doesn't see it right away -- so, it was a nice try. If you didn't get an answer, then take the chance and call. You're no worse off than if you hadn't texted. Unless she thinks it's loserish ;-)
I agree with, i think it was G who said, "grow a pair and call."
Either I won't pick up, or I'll tell you I'll call you back.
But if I'm told the guy's calling on 9 on Tuesday, I make damn sure (as well as one could, anyway, extenuating circumstances aside) that I am available at that time.
for those people who really can't deal with getting any texts at all, they block texts to their phone. otherwise, one text is not so bad.

i think it's a great idea
and here I was thnking Michelle didn't really get the reference to "grow a pair" until she said "damn".

Don't text, just call.
I wouldn't make an issue out of it, and understand other people's reasoning, but personally, I'd prefer he call. I see that as taking more responsibility.

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