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Sunday, August 27, 2006

Shiduchim Etiquette

What do you do in this situation. Someone calls you and says they've got a great idea for you. You look into it, and decide, that yes, this seems like a pretty good shidduch. You call the shadchan back and say yes. A couple of days pass and you don't hear anything from the shadchan. You call again, and the shadchan tells you that she spoke to the girl, she's interested, but she's seeing someone at the moment, but she doesn't think it's going anywhere, so she'll probably be free in a few days.

Now what? Do you wait, knowing that it'll only be a few days? Or do you tell the shadchan that you're going to move on, and if you and her are both available at a later date, you'll go out?

I chose the second option. I politely told the shadchan that I'm not on retainer and I'm not going to sit around waiting for someone if I have other shiduchim that have been red. The shadchan tried telling me to just wait a bit, that she's not interested in the guy she's seeing, and she'll be available real soon. I didn't bite. Someone had red a really good shidduch that day and I wasn't going to sit around and wait.

So I end up going out with this next girl for 2 months. Meanwhile, the shadchan didn't call back. I thought maybe she got insulted and decided she didn't want to go out with me. Finally, six weeks later, the shadchan calls and sheepishly says that the girl ended up going out with the guy for six weeks.

Six weeks!

And that's why I don't wait around.

So, finally, last week I went out with her. It was over in one date.


you definitely made the right decision.
been there done that. good luck.

(p.s. once [only once] the shoe was on the other foot and I was the one who 'told' the girl that I would be available 'tomorrow' but that dragged on for a few more weeks. She shouldn't have waited.)
absolutely the right decision! If she "didn't really like the guy", why was she still going out with him? you can't put your life on hold for someone like that.
i think you made the right decision... i don't wait around for potential dates if they are 'busy' (seeing someone now but most likely it isn't working out). It's not like a phone call, can't just put someone on hold!
you definitely made the right call. you should not wait around for someone you have no obligation to and who has no obligation to you. You might wait around a few days or weeks and then find out someone else was on her/his list before you.. there is no reason to wait..
I don't think that there's a question. Indeed you're not on retainer. And even a shadchan can't necessarily tell what's going on.
You made the right call. Worst case scenario you could go out with the second girl for a date, and if the first girl becomes available go out with her as well.
you give a couple of days, but if they are busy, you move on. If they become 'un-busy' while you have started seeing another girl, if it is only been one date with the new girl, then you can 'two-time' and go out with both at the same time. You can rely on the Chazaka that 'Rov shiduchim last for only one or two dates' (i didn't get married till i was in my early 30s so i had a lot of experience in defining this Chazaka.)
Never wait- people get engaged after two months these days, might as well take everything that comes your way.

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