Tuesday, June 06, 2006
A Dating Post
So the other night, I go out on a shidduch date. Really nice girl, and we have (what I thought), was a really nice time. No awkward silences, the conversation went well, etc. I couldn't have scripted a better first date.
Call the shadchan the next morning, say I had a really nice time and want to go out again.
A few hours later, shadchan calls back and says that while she had a really nice time, she just didn't see it, but she thinks I'm perfect for one of her friends, yada yada yada.
So naturally, I'm disappointed. I thought for sure she would want to go out again. The way I figure, unless you're 100% sure, it's always worth a second date. I don't know if the girl was 100% sure, but if she was, I can't blame her for not wanting to go out again. Lord knows I've said no after one date countless times.
So what I want to know is- would you rather have a really nice time on a date, oblivious to the fact that the other person has no interest but keeps up the facade through out the whole date (for the sake of being nice), or would you rather get the sense from him/her that this aint happening and have a lousy time as your date shuts down on you?
One leads to apprehension after the date as you wait for the shadchan gets back to you, hoping that the girl/guy wants to go out again, and then you get all disappointed when you find out that they are not interested. The other just means you have a lousy date. Which would you prefer?
Unexpectedly, being on the other side (the other person clearly had a better date than you, and you really have to wonder why that person even wants to go out again, since you clearly don't) is also a bit awkward.
in answer to your question, i would rather get the sense that it isn't happening. i think if both people had a nice time they should just talk it out at the end of the date and be straightfoward without going through the shadchan. it may be a little more akward for some people, but it helps if you hear both sides. and you never know maybe something was misunderstood.
I don't know which is harder but I can tell you that being on a date that sucks is the worse experience. When your on that date and you both know this is going nowhere it's like dentist pulling a tooth bad. So it's probably better to just get through it thinking its going well and then be disappointed the next day rather than go through the awkward date thing.
Dating is a such a wacky thing, it really is. All I can tell you is that when your married with children you look back on dating like a different lifetime.
Dating is funny.. I agree with belanny above. Just because you don't click or have chemistry doesn't necessarily mean you have to have a bad date. Conversely, though, you can have a bad date with no chemistry (you can also have a bad date with good chemistry.. i.e., car gets booted, in the rain, and your credit card is maxed, and your cell phone dies, and you have an allergy attack..!). It just depends on the personality.
I had a date a couple of weeks ago (not shidduch date; met of Frumster) where we spoke on the phone, she was really nice and easy to talk to, open minded, and her mini-picture was nice. We arranged to meet in the city for a date. As soon as I spotted her.. down the block--! I knew there was nothing there. But, we sat, had a meal, talked, and had fun.
I was thinking of what I would tell her at the follow-up call.. when we finally were able to have the conversation, she started first, and told me that while I was a really nice guy and a great catch, she just didn't feel it. Whew! Great when it's mutual.
Would I have wanted her to tell me right there? No.. of course not. I think most people who have good social skills can act in a gentlemanly or ladylike and classy way on a date even though they may know immediately that there's no potential. If the date is bad in the sense that the other person has some bad personality or hygeine trait, that's a different story, and then I suppose cutting the date short on a premise is justified (many people do that).
Just curious-- what's your Frumster experience been like?
But, if the choice is between your two options, I'd prefer honesty than a lying facade any time.
Doesn't hurt to meet up with the friend and see what happens.
The truth is, you'll never know what your date will be thinking UNLESS it works out and you get a chance to see her again. Otherwise, while I agree that it would be nicer if we can make a rule that people not having fun not deceive the other, you can't change the way things are. As for girls not giving you a second date -- while I agree that a second date is almost always a good idea, the problem there lies with the girl not having a good mashpia telling her to go on a second date. Again, out of your control.
By the way, what jumped out at me is that SHE RECOMMENDED YOU TO A FRIEND!! That is a GREAT sign! So, she didn't think you were good for her, okay no problem. If we were in the same situation, I would ask for the referral and go out with the friend and not worry about what went wrong in the first date. People have their reasons for saying no, not always logical. -Zoe