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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

A Dating Post

I don't normally blog about my dating life, but I wanted to get this off my chest.

So the other night, I go out on a shidduch date. Really nice girl, and we have (what I thought), was a really nice time. No awkward silences, the conversation went well, etc. I couldn't have scripted a better first date.

Call the shadchan the next morning, say I had a really nice time and want to go out again.

A few hours later, shadchan calls back and says that while she had a really nice time, she just didn't see it, but she thinks I'm perfect for one of her friends, yada yada yada.

So naturally, I'm disappointed. I thought for sure she would want to go out again. The way I figure, unless you're 100% sure, it's always worth a second date. I don't know if the girl was 100% sure, but if she was, I can't blame her for not wanting to go out again. Lord knows I've said no after one date countless times.

So what I want to know is- would you rather have a really nice time on a date, oblivious to the fact that the other person has no interest but keeps up the facade through out the whole date (for the sake of being nice), or would you rather get the sense from him/her that this aint happening and have a lousy time as your date shuts down on you?

One leads to apprehension after the date as you wait for the shadchan gets back to you, hoping that the girl/guy wants to go out again, and then you get all disappointed when you find out that they are not interested. The other just means you have a lousy date. Which would you prefer?


Tough call. But having a bad date is just awkward and painful. At least the unanticipated rejection isn't in front of anyone (you hope!)

Unexpectedly, being on the other side (the other person clearly had a better date than you, and you really have to wonder why that person even wants to go out again, since you clearly don't) is also a bit awkward.
if you don't click it doesn't mean you have had a lousy date. you can have a great time and still know it won't work, although a second date can't hurt.

in answer to your question, i would rather get the sense that it isn't happening. i think if both people had a nice time they should just talk it out at the end of the date and be straightfoward without going through the shadchan. it may be a little more akward for some people, but it helps if you hear both sides. and you never know maybe something was misunderstood.
I remember once I drove down to Baltimore to go out on a date with this girl. She was really nice and I thought we had a very nice time. She was very friendly and smiled a lot. I thought we had a mutually great time. She was very polite at the end and said she'd speak to me later. Then she calls me the next morning and tells me she didn't want to say this through a shadchan but she isn't interested. She just didn't see it. Same thing your date said. Must have been the same thing. She just wasn't feeling it and instead of making the date awkward she played along.

I don't know which is harder but I can tell you that being on a date that sucks is the worse experience. When your on that date and you both know this is going nowhere it's like dentist pulling a tooth bad. So it's probably better to just get through it thinking its going well and then be disappointed the next day rather than go through the awkward date thing.

Dating is a such a wacky thing, it really is. All I can tell you is that when your married with children you look back on dating like a different lifetime.
Just discovered your blog.... good stuff!

Dating is funny.. I agree with belanny above. Just because you don't click or have chemistry doesn't necessarily mean you have to have a bad date. Conversely, though, you can have a bad date with no chemistry (you can also have a bad date with good chemistry.. i.e., car gets booted, in the rain, and your credit card is maxed, and your cell phone dies, and you have an allergy attack..!). It just depends on the personality.

I had a date a couple of weeks ago (not shidduch date; met of Frumster) where we spoke on the phone, she was really nice and easy to talk to, open minded, and her mini-picture was nice. We arranged to meet in the city for a date. As soon as I spotted her.. down the block--! I knew there was nothing there. But, we sat, had a meal, talked, and had fun.

I was thinking of what I would tell her at the follow-up call.. when we finally were able to have the conversation, she started first, and told me that while I was a really nice guy and a great catch, she just didn't feel it. Whew! Great when it's mutual.

Would I have wanted her to tell me right there? No.. of course not. I think most people who have good social skills can act in a gentlemanly or ladylike and classy way on a date even though they may know immediately that there's no potential. If the date is bad in the sense that the other person has some bad personality or hygeine trait, that's a different story, and then I suppose cutting the date short on a premise is justified (many people do that).

Just curious-- what's your Frumster experience been like?
I've never used Frumster, or any other dating site. Not yet.
There is a third possibility, that the conversation went well, everyone had a good time, but she just didn't see it. We all have great conversations with people we would never dream of dating.

But, if the choice is between your two options, I'd prefer honesty than a lying facade any time.
Perhaps take everything at face value. She really did have a nice time, but didn't see you as a future husband. Perhaps after deciding you weren't right for her, she thought of one of her friends and was really trying to see if you'd be a good match for the friend.
Doesn't hurt to meet up with the friend and see what happens.
OK, I guess the question isnĀ“t *really* for me since I am the type to be friends with someone before dating to make sure we know each other and compatible... but faced with such choice I would rather know right away than waste time hoping and then being disappointed.
tough one. i guess i'd prefer them to be upfront if they didn't think it was going anywhere rather than waste time on a boring evening. (i've had one too many lousy evenings.) then again, sometimes you need a second or third date just to be sure, even if it doesn't work out.
Not reading the prior comments (yet), my rabbi told me when I was shidduch dating that "you never know what a girl is thinking while on a date." While she may be having a terrible time, she might be smiling and laughing away the whole time, while secretly thinking, "schmuck, take me home."

The truth is, you'll never know what your date will be thinking UNLESS it works out and you get a chance to see her again. Otherwise, while I agree that it would be nicer if we can make a rule that people not having fun not deceive the other, you can't change the way things are. As for girls not giving you a second date -- while I agree that a second date is almost always a good idea, the problem there lies with the girl not having a good mashpia telling her to go on a second date. Again, out of your control.

By the way, what jumped out at me is that SHE RECOMMENDED YOU TO A FRIEND!! That is a GREAT sign! So, she didn't think you were good for her, okay no problem. If we were in the same situation, I would ask for the referral and go out with the friend and not worry about what went wrong in the first date. People have their reasons for saying no, not always logical. -Zoe

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