Monday, May 12, 2008
In Defense of Shidduch Lists
These complaints are misguided.
If a guy has a list, that simply means that he is being redt more girls than he can go out with. It's a little like Lucy at the chocolate factory. You keep dating, but the names keep coming in. So a guy has two choices; he can tell the shadchan that he doesn't want to hear any more suggestions, or he can take down the info and add to the list.
I don't see anything wrong with adding to the list. When you're ready to go out with a new girl, then you go out with the one that seems the most appropriate. The "list" isn't like the waiting list to get season tickets to Jets.
As for the complaint that guys are always being redt shidduchim, while it's All Quiet on the Shidduch Front for the girls- the way the shidduch system is set up, one side has to be the first to be contacted. The shadchanim will call me first, but more often than not, it's not worth a date for whatever reason. But plenty of time is wasted figuring that out.
While the phone doesn't ring that often for the girl, when t does ring, the guy has already agreed to go out. One side has determined that it's worth a date. Odds are, it's worth a date for the girl as well. The guy is basically acts as the filter. If the gender roles were reversed, then girls would probably be complaining about all the awful ideas they're being suggested.
Now I know the shidduch system has many, many problems. But lists aren't one of them.
Lists aren't so much of a problem as a built-in feature that doesn't seem to please either side of the equation.
Ladies, your witness...
I wrote about this and everyone agreed that I should go out with one at a time- hence the list. I do not follow the list in order because some sound more interesting then others.
Its kind of like waiting for a fancy club- not everyone gets in at once- but the order is also not nec in order.
Agreed 100% good post.
Seriously though, nothing wrong with a list - but there is something wrong with not even giving an answer (saying I'll look into it and never saying a final yes or no).
Also, ask yourself why won't go out now? If it is because you have a list then say so, and that it may happen in a few months. If it is because something doesn't feel right, then will it feel right later or will you keep making up an excuse to just push it off until you run out of excuses, go out for one or two dates and call it off?
All I am saying is give some sort of answer, don't just leave a girl/shadchan hanging with I'll look into it.
As for why later and not now- plenty of times a name will come from someone who doesn't really know me or the shadchun doesn't do a good job "making the sale". But names have a tendency of coming up again and it sometimes sounds better the second or third time around.
Though it helps explain lists as well....
I know lots of other girls who say the same thing happens to them repeatedly, so it's not just my personal experience.
That's the problem I see, not "the list" per say.